Black Jokes

Read Book 'Black Box'

2010-08-28T09:06:00.003-07:00

"Didn't you read this book, 'Black Box', in our previous flight? Haven't you ended it yet?", the woman asked her husband.

"Yes I did", answered the husband, "but everyone knows that the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black Box".

Fly to Boston Just a Minute

2010-08-28T09:06:00.001-07:00

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"

The clerk said, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

Airlines Acronyms Explained

2010-08-28T09:05:00.004-07:00

Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don't Ever Leave The Airport
Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I'll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful
TWA: Try With Another

You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

2010-08-28T09:05:00.002-07:00

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?

2010-08-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

Entire Flight Crew are Female

2010-08-28T09:04:00.001-07:00

A burly good 'ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don't see the stewardess around".
The steward answers, "Actually I'm not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I'd be happy to get you a drink".
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew are female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
Steward: "Actually sir, we don't call it that anymore."

Airplane Pilot Go to Hell

2010-08-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

2010-08-28T08:42:00.001-07:00

A walkie-talkie, of course.

Why do hummingbirds hum?

2010-08-28T08:41:00.003-07:00

Because they don't know the words.

What kind of dog tells time?

2010-08-28T08:41:00.001-07:00

A watch dog.

What has four legs and an arm?

2010-08-28T08:40:00.002-07:00

A happy pit bull.

Pills That Allows to Fly

2010-08-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

A Priest and A Nun in Hotel

2010-08-28T08:38:00.001-07:00

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed."

Nun: "I think that would be okay."

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."

Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."

Blind Man and A Nun

2010-08-28T08:36:00.001-07:00

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."